I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
