There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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