When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
