I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
