I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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