Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Be still, my beating vagina.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
