Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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