two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
third nipple confirmed
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
