I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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