his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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