I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
