Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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