I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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