just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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