I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
