i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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