Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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