he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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