it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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