I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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