Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
