Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize