giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Randomize
