Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
