I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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