Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
