I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
