dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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