Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
