before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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