How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Come on in and take your pants off
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