overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
there is glitter all over my balls
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
