I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
