I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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