Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
