I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
