You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
