I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
