I hate all girls vehemently.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Randomize
