You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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