I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
