I don't usually arrange sex via text message
People in love make me want to vomit
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
