so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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