Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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