We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
