i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
