3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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