I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize