OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
