you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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