her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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