You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
