Im at strip club and am horny
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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