Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
