i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
