Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
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