I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
