Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
