So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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