Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize