i wish starbucks made bloody marys
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
