I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
