Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
