Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
