I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
