I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
