I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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