So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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