you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Pants are for mortals
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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