At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
