He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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