So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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